Peter Rhodes on Christmas damage, the darker side of The Two Ronnies and a rush of friends for the frail

CHRISTMAS comes but once a year and when it does, it brings hordes of revellers trailing mud into your house, dropping sausage rolls on the floor and knocking glasses of red wine all over your furniture. So now the puzzle. Why does every manufacturer of carpets, sofas and dining furniture promise "delivery guaranteed before Xmas"? Isn't it far, far better to get the house-wreckers off the the premises and have the shiny new stuff delivered in January?

ROGER Daltrey did not die before he got old but popped up on Radio 4 a few days ago to say some stern things about Europe. Not the continent (he loves that) but the "Brussels construct" and all the gravy trains that go with it. And when naysayers try to kid us that Brexit will stop UK performers appearing in the EU and vice versa, The Who frontman points out that Britain had pop groups long before we joined the Common Market and they travelled wherever they wanted. This will come as a surprise to a generation which half-believes that no-one could travel to France before 1973 because that's when the Common Market brought peace to the continent.

LISTEN, kids, I could show you a photo of me and my mates in Avignon in 1968 but you'd probably think it was fake news.

BEEN watching the replays of those "classic" Two Ronnies shows on the Yesterday channel? Does this product from the golden age of telly fill you with nostalgic joy? Or do you cringe with embarrassment at the gratuitous use and abuse of young female performers that was taken for granted back then? The occasional inspired genius of the "four candles" sketch was padded out with some pretty sleazy stuff. One creepy example was the sketch about a busty Victorian girl being groomed as a pickpocket. Cue endless close-ups of her stuffing jewellery into her cleavage. This was not entertainment. It was soft porn and, if nothing else, it shows how far we have come. These days any comedy star using women in such a way would be named and shamed, and rightly so. I doubt if the late, great Two Ronnies were proud of everything they did.

PETER Jackson's brilliant re-working of First World War footage to create the full-colour tribute They Shall Not Grow Old, brings the Tommies of 1914-18 to life. They look so much like our own sons. Until they smile. One hundred years ago Britain had courage in abundance but British dentistry was a national disgrace and the Bulldog Breed was almost toothless.

FOLLOWING an almighty cock-up, thousands of people on sickness benefits are in line for refunds of up to £20,000. Some of these are among the most frail and vulnerable members of society. Many are victims of the epidemic of loneliness stalking our uncaring land. I make this modest forecast. Some poorly old pensioners, suddenly finding themselves with a windfall of a few thousand smackers, will meet relatives they haven't seen for years and friends they didn't even know existed. You're never alone with a fortune.