Peter Rhodes: High flyers

AFTER trawling through hundreds of online responses to Tony Blair on the Iraq war, this is by far the best: "The world would be a better place if pants really did catch fire."

FUNNY things, noses. I was writing in my garret this week and was suddenly overwhelmed with a desire for chips. Why this sudden lust? Downstairs, Mrs Rhodes was cleaning the windows with vinegar and water. And now I've mentioned vinegar, I bet you fancy a bag of chips, too.

I WAS reminded of the days when I started commuting to Birmingham and would find myself thinking of cold meats; ham, turkey, rare beef and so on. It was some weeks before I realised the big building next to Aston Expressway was the HP Sauce factory.

AT this stage I was going to coin a new word for the link between smells and memory. Sadly, according to Google, others have beaten me to it: nosetalgia.

HOWEVER, I may be first with a new word to describe people who say they believe in democracy, find themselves on the losing side in a referendum and then realise they only believe in democracy when they win. What they actually believe in is demecracy.

OH, this is the life. Today sees the maiden flight of the RAF Voyager dubbed Cam Force One. It has been converted to carry ministers, royalty and VIPs in extreme luxury. This is the sort of thing some MPs dream of . Farewell, sharing a sweaty Tube with the unspeakable masses. Hello, flying at 40,000 feet with fragrant princes and presidents. Of course, it doesn't always work out like that. I couldn't help noticing during the Somme centenary commemoration that while some MPs were rubbing shoulders with the mighty, sipping champers and eating fancy chow, other MPs were slogging through the agenda at the Workplace Dress Codes Committee.

THERE is talk of a referendum to see whether the people of Northern Ireland want to be united with the Irish Republic. The British Government's view on Ulster was laid out in 1990 by the then Northern Ireland Secretary Peter Brook who said Britain had "no selfish, strategic or economic interest" in Ulster. In other words, if Ulster folk ever wanted to leave the UK and join Ireland, Westminster would not stand in their way. What has never been established is whether citizens of the Republic would have a say in the referendum, or be denied a vote, just as England was denied a vote when the Scots had their referendum. No matter how delicately it is phrased, the question for the Republic to answer is: "Do you really want a million stroppy Protestants?"

WHAT a hoot, eh? Someone accidentally leaves a microphone switched on, capturing Tory veteran Ken Clarke describing Theresa May as "difficult." Having met Clarke a couple of times, I don't recall him being backward in coming forward, off the record or not. I wouldn't be surprised if Clarke knew perfectly well the microphone was live.

MY abiding memory of Ken Clarke is at a buffet luncheon. Most politicians nibble politely at such events. Ken ate all the pies.